Mammary Foam

a.k.a. The Draw Bed Part Trois

Oh the joy! Simple solutions yielding big results. If you recall from earlier posts, we simplified the bed plans and created the Draw-Bed. A wonderful solution, but still it needed a mattress...

After much internet research, I opted to undermine the U.S. economy and screw my fellow American worker out of a job by ordering our bed from Walmart. Normally not a fan of the Donate-To-China store on principle, one of my internet searches popped their line of memory foam mattresses onto the screen and it crushed the rest of the competition. It was 5 times cheaper than the 2nd leading competitor, was made of more memory foam, AND with their Ship-Free-To-Store policy, there were no shipping charges associated with my 75 lb order. Let me say that again, FIVE TIMES CHEAPER. I couldn't resist. Sorry America. I try, I really do. But to pass on a full size memory foam mattress for $130 is just stupid. The reviews were high for this product too.

It took a week. We tracked it everyday online. (we were a little excited) We picked it up at our not-so-local Walmart Supercenter, which actually isn't bad compared to most Walmarts. It's a cut above the average. The best Walmart I've ever seen was in Fargo, North Dakota. Freaking unreal in there. I felt like I was in a gourmet grocery store the place was so swanked out. What was I doing in North Dakota? Good question, but a story for another time.

It came in a box. A very non-bed-mattress shaped box. We opened the box and our bed was folded in half, rolled into a burrito, and stuffed in a sack.


It took us forever to get the canvas bag off the mattress. I think they vacuum-pack the mattress, which is foam (obviously) so when it greets the air it swells to gigantic proportions, making it very difficult to remove from a tiny little sack.


Success! Salvaged the bag too!


Yay! Look a new mattress and a new bag! Man our fingers hurt from prying that thing off!


The mattress smelled like the polyurethane blast furnace, so we let it air out and rise for a couple days. This is what it looked like immediately after box removal.


And this is what it looked like the day after. Not much evidence in the photos, so I stopped taking stop-motion of them. It was kind of like watching paint dry, and similarly the changes were noticeable to the human eye, but not to the camera. It took a few days for the mattress to off-gas the stinky polyurethane smell away.

Look, a bed on a bed!


So the next task was to cut the foam. Our plan is for the mattress to be comprised of two halves that fold into a couch by day and open into a bed by night. Or the opposite way if we become vampires.

Best advice I read online said to use an electric carving knife, and it just so happens Brie and I know someone who owns one, so we borrowed it for the task. The task took me the better part of an hour.

I laid the mattress out on the floor, unzipped it out of its protective cover, and drew my carving lines. Our dimensions call for a mattress that is 6" less wide than a full size mattress, with the length remaining the same as a full. Easy enough. I chose to cut out a strip down the center. I can't remember why now, but I had a good reason at the time. I think.

I drew the lines...


And made the cuts...


And removed the unwanted middle piece.


Overall, I didn't do too badly. I think this was the right tool for the job. The teeth of the carving knife weren't sharp enough to cut through the foam like butter, but if I man-handled the foam a little, the knife met no resistance and just did what it was supposed to do. There was very little foam wasted in the process. Here are a few images from the fallout.




Could have been worse. Thanks for the tool loan, Jes!

When Brie came home from the art studio, we laid around (layed around? leied around?) on the mattress pieces inside the house and then got too excited and hauled them out to Bessie for the official fitting.

They fit well. In the photo below, Brie is checking her phone for the current temperature and cursing at it because it's clearly saying its warmer than it is (36 F was the forecast. It's waaaay chillier than that. Prob more like 28. There was ice forming outside!).

Look at the monkey's little gorilla feet!


So yeah, I guess we need to install the heater. Anyway, moving on, the mattress is so comfortable we both find ourselves just hanging out on the memory foam. When you get on the mattress, it just swallows you. But it doesn't move. It sort of incorporates you into itself, molding ergonomically around the curves of your hips, spine, and shoulders. I don't know how we're going to get out of bed. It's like quicksand without the suffocation. I love this mattress. It might be more comfortable than the one we sleep on. Significantly cheaper and perhaps better for our backs? Time will tell if it will hold up to multiple night's sleep. More on that in the future.


I can't believe how much room there is on this bed. Like I said, it's 6" less wide (6" unwider?) than a full size mattress, but we don't even notice. Plenty of room for feet, plenty of headroom, we can even put our arms behind out heads without crowding each other, and we're not smaller than average people. I'm 5'9", and Brie is 5'7" so we're not overly large but still, look how tiny I look in there! That's 180 lbs of brawn relaxing on the bed! Plenty of room to spare!


My feet were a little cold in the chilly weather by this point. Where did I put my shoes?


The Draw-Bed also folds into a couch, as seen below. Brie's hanging out, propping her arm on the invisible future pillow. Cute profile.


And look how deep the couch is! Plenty of room to spare. Where is Brie?


Probably a three person couch if necessary.


My turn. I'm reading my invisible future book. Perhaps it's by H.P. Lovecraft? Perhaps it's about witches of old who simply had a firmer grasp upon physics than the rest of the population?


Where did I put my invisible future potential remote?


Found it. I'm now watching the invisible future 3D holographic projector (why not?) with my arm propped on the invisible future pillow.


And now instead of watching Princess Leia's hologram beg us for help again, I'm staring at the beautiful sanding job Brie performed on the mahogany ceiling.


Who's making all the racket out there? Don't make me come outta mah traylah!


And that's all folks! The mattress is cut and permanently installed inside Bessie. Once poor Brie gets a moment's rest from her dissertation, she'll cut the fabric for the Draw-Bed, sew the seams, and that will be the last of the Draw-Bed. Well, maybe we'll get sheets. Or maybe we'll just use our sleeping bags.

Stay tuned for the upcoming colors and soon-to-be-visible pillows!